To be truthful, I am scared. Mind-numbingly so.

The babbling, incoherent fear inside me manifests itself in my gross-overeating, obsessive-compulsive browsing of books, soccernet, blogs. I guess I am trying to do everything I can to distract myself from the fact that I am going to be up against the most important exam so far in my life. While being the least prepared.

Okay fine so I brought this upon myself. I fucked around, and fucked up (abit), this year. But no one told me that the marks are going to be released!

I am scared

Just got back from Cambridge interview. Didn't go to well. Shan't elaborate. Am currently indulging in gross over-eating to console myself.

Why is the only university writing to me, Bristol?

I should have been studying but instead I spent it reading the blog of a very frustrated teacher.

Still it was good to know that there are still people out there who can speak the truth, the way they see it and without any unnecessary embellishments. I am tired of everything that we do now, where everything we do seem to be magnified into acts of national salvation. I mean like, seriously. No one fucking studies for the glory of the institution; I am doing it because I have to in order to get my diploma so that I have a decent shot at getting into a uni.

I realised that we, as a generation, have heads considerably bigger than our shoulders. This may have something to do with all the dressing up we do. We are all star students, excellent leaders, agile sportsman. We do not have to be the best, but we all believe that we are entitled, that we are born to inherit the best of this world. Frankly, all this is rather disgusting.

To tell you the truth, I am quite sick of having to write that I am a motivational leader just because I was in the class committee. Truth is, I am mediocre when it comes to leadership, and I can't play most sports to save my life. This doesn't mean I am no good at life, but I am hardly the inspirational leader that my testimonial professes I am. But at least give me credit for not believing in that crap eh?

So there you have it. I wish I could tell this to the universities I am applying to and tell them to go shove it when they reject me.

Techno can be sweet. My split personality just has no taste.

On an unrelated note, I think I screwed up my TSA pretty bad today. I had one and a half hour for the multiple choice questions and half an hour for the essay question. I looked at the essay question : What is gravity and freaked out so I skipped right to it before going through my first paper. And I found out that I could not get back to it.

Anyway, Cambridge if you are reading this, you should note that the test should not be taken as a measure of my ability. You really should be accepting me by the way. Really.

Somewhere in my heart I am always dancing with you in the summer rain

Ahhhh!

I have my Thinking Skills Assessment tomorrow, my Cambridge interview on Monday. And my final IB exams in slightly more than a week's time. Why didn't anyone tell me that IB marks will be released?!

/wrists

If you have ever wondered why I seem to be so singularly lacking in any sort of outward ambition, or drive, here is the reason:

I think I am better than you. And most other people for that matter.

What? You didn't quite catch that?. Okay again then.

I am better than you.

Call me an arrogant prick, but you know deep down that I am not the only one who thinks this way. I am just not such a firm believer in hypocrisy, so I would rather speak my mind.

The reason why I do not speak about what I want to do in such glowing terms, like you and most other people do, is because I don't believe in it. I scorn those people, which has now, sadly, come to include you, who can see nothing more than getting into a good university, going out and making money, leaving a mark on this world, doing something. I know I am better than that, that I am more than all the money I make in my lifetime, all the A's I get, the cars and houses I buy. I scorn your pettiness and selfishness, and unwillingness to see beyond your immediate competition, because none of that should matter if you were good enough. I take your selfishness to be a sign of inferiority; an inability to concede advantage, and still be good enough to come out on top.

Maybe I am deluding myself with a false sense of superiority. I don't know. That's why I am going to spend my life chasing all those things that people like you worship : money, power, success, possibly fame. Not because they mean anything to me, but because I think I am good enough to still beat you at your own game, even when I don't believe in it. That's why I appear to be such a superficial fuck, and that's why I laugh at those people who tell me that I should never choose a career for the money. I want to get all these, and then throw them all away, but not to prove myself to you, or to anyone else. I don't need your approval, and in case you are wondering, I have never really worked for it, no matter what you may think.

That's why being good, being the best, has been important. Not because I think grades are a good measure of your ability. But because I believe that I am good enough to be up there, even when I know that this system is a joke. I can't quit the game, or try and convince you to, but I know that I can get good at it, for nothing more than being good at it. And at the end of the day, I want to be able to waltz to those very things most people would work their whole lives for, because its not just enough to get them, you have to make it look easy on the way as well.

And if I don't make it, I will just have to accept that I am not good enough.

I just did it. Its turned dusty. But my com doesn't feel right now that it is not propped up.

Facebook hates me. I can't seem to get into the Anglo-Chinese Indep. network.

Also on a more serious note, I think I have lost my sense of balance in life. I have resolved to remove the copy of Lin Yutang which is being used to prop my com up to avoid over-heating, and start reading it again.

I like the new blog layout. It seems much less cluttered. And more organized. Which amounts to the same thing I suppose.

Anyway, I hate my daily routine. I wake up, go to school, study, have lunch, study again, dinner, come back and sleep. Its disgusting. I think that it reduces me to studying, and satisfying my basic needs. Which seems like a very animal thing to do. Somehow.

Will elaborate when I get my thoughts straight.

Please don't let me fall sick now. I should not even be awake now, but my stomach is turning in that strange way that is reminiscent of the feeling you get when you unwittingly fill it up with a bit too much alcohol than you strictly should.

I personally think it has something to do with my acne medication; it is either my antibiotics acting up, or because I applied the gel, which smells strongly of alcohol.

Stuffed myself with three pieces of bread and am continuing to do so in the hopes of avoiding throwing up.

Am going to fall sick soon. Can feel it in my bones. Or maybe its just because I am staying in too much these days. At any rate, studying, at least the way I am doing it now, is definitely unhealthy.

My days are now spent oscillating between the bed, where I read, and the computer.

Note to self : do not leave it to the last minute ever again.

Haagen Dazs ice cream is awesome.

I have henceforth decided that I shall be entirely self-sufficient because it is time to move on and forget. If you think I am being shallow, you have the right to go fuck yourself.

I should be back in boarding but I am not

Since there is a flurry of blog posts and facebook activity dedicated to the last day of school, I feel compelled to drop a short note here, just in case my wandering twenty years from now leads me to wondering how I felt on the last day of my school life.

I should have written this out on Friday, but it takes time for the whole thing to sink down and for me to distill its essence, to be put down in words. I am not saying I am able to do it even now, but I'll give it a go.

Without actually being incredibly melodramatic, I must say that I would miss most of the things I have been doing for the past four years. The idea that all that is irreversibly, irrevocably, gone, is hard to swallow, and slightly weird, because I can't imagine mysef starting all over again.

You know how sometimes you get the feeling that it is the right time to end something? It has been four years since I am here. Most of the people I knew when I first came are gone, and that is quite a fair bit of people. PC left last year, Mdm T will be leaving at the end of this year, the last of my senior will be leaving at the end of this year as well. I probably would not have recognized this school or maybe even myself, four years ago. I don't know what I am holding on to.

I have been tired and cranky for the past two days, and after being really honest with myself, I realised that what I miss most about the school would probably be you.

And also, to be really honest, I have been really disappointed with how you have turned out to be. I thought you would be different. I still think you would be different. If you are readinng this, I want you to know that no matter how much you may think I have changed, I am still the boy you knew sometime last year. The only solace I have now is that I would never have to see you again after this and I would ( hopefully ) be able to forget.

I hope you would be able to do everything you have told me you wanted to do. Or not.

Because frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

You should have seen this coming for some time now.
All that stuff about being able to do well without appearing to try too hard, or even appearing to try at all; even you could not have been conceited enough to believe that, could you?
Shove your conceit and condescension in the trash , because right now, you have no claims to having done well at all. Go ahead and try stare your disappointment down. You won't, because you know that it is much more than just failing one paper. Its about everything you believe in; its about accepting that you are not as good as you think you are.
So what are you going to do about it?
You have alway prided yourself in being able to pull things out of the pocket at times like these, so here is the chance to prove yourself right or wrong, once and for all. You have always believed that you have that extra bit that allows you to cut the corners and still get through fine. You have always believed that you have the will and determination to pull yourself out of anything you might have gotten yourself into in the first place. Well, ditch that facade of superiority, until you have got yourself out of this.
So stop wallowing in your self pity and disappointment. Truth is, you will just have to slog as hard as some other people to get where you want. You have never believed in pounding an issue, and you have had your chance to prove yourself right, but you failed. You have one final opportunity some time next month.

You better make good the next time.

hi.

today is tuesday.

there are four plus weeks left.

no, wait, there are six plus weeks left.

focus, dammit.