End-of-Year Reflections

I know I don't usually title my posts, but i kinda stole the title from someone else( you know who you are, and this one is for you), so i don't really know if it counts. My split personality, of course, meticulously, titles his posts, but i often find it more convenient to go without, so if that has bothered you, i apologize, mea culpa.

Anyway, 2006 has indeed come to a close, in more ways than one. The feeling is that of relief, perhaps, at having come so far, but as with everything gone past, there is also the lingering feeling that you could have changed just that little bit, and perhaps things would have turned out a lot better.

It's not my job to figure out how things could have turned out this year if i have just done things a little bit differently. I strongly suspect that i will gaze longingly at alternative paths, no matter how wonderful the year has been for me once i commit myself to thinking what could have been better, so i shall keep myself happy and refrain from doing so.

I don't know if i can honestly say i have grown up - but the passage of time, in its physical sense (and in strictly non-relativistic contexts, to appease those fussy physicists among you) , is inexorable, and i am not sure if that is actually a good thing. Plus, i don't know what is our fascination is with growing up, as if there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I, for one, would prefer to stay just where i am, although that might change if someone does find a pot of gold at the end, and i would be infinitely obliged to you if you do tell me when you find something ( but it has better be worth my while).

I am tempted to say that last year was better than this, but i suppose that is one of the inherent flaws in the human mind. We always seek to compartmentalize our experiences, breaking them up into discrete pieces that we can handle, and make sense of. In the same way, i suppose it is also easy to think of people as absolutes, entities that you can file and categorize, even though we are well aware that the essence of humanity is as elusive as that of ether, to which its greatest minds were committed to finding at the turn of the century.

I cannot say that i am really sorry for anything i have done this year, because if given a chance, i would do it all over again. I don't think i have any real regrets, because, hell, life is short, and the year was short, so i guess we don't have the whole of eternity perfecting what we are going to do before actually getting around to doing it. Not that it would be an entirely attractive prospect, even if we do. Perfection gets boring if it gets repetitive, just like any other thing, i suspect. So i guess we make our decisions, face the music, and move on. We all make stupid decisions once in a while, so when you do, i guess you just have to make sure you have friends by your side, before you start slitting your wrists ( kidding, of course). Or else a lot of money to spend.

Speaking of which, i suppose i have found some new friends, in totally unexpected people. I drifted away from some, but i also found some new ones, and lost one or two along the way. I couldn't say i am happy at having lost some, but maybe when we do get together again, things will be better. Okay, I don't truly believe that, but there is no harm in believing, and certainly none in hoping. Maybe, as someone said, the entire point of a journey is to end up where we first started, and to know it for the first time, so maybe at the end of this journey, we will see each other again. But for the meantime, goodbye, and i wish you all the best. We stake out our own paths, and we will have to walk them out, but even as they diverge now, i certainly hope they will cross again in the future, although i still owe certain people too much money to put what remaining money i have on that.

I am currently tucked away in a corner at Coffee Bean because apparently it is an absolute waste of time to spend the day stoning in the hotel room, when you can pay 12 bucks for a cup of coffee, get ripped off AND stone the day away, which, as everyone knows, is a much more sensible alternative. I am, after all, on a holiday.

Anyway, this is my firt post in ages and the fact that i still have nothing much to blog about is a testament to the great post-exam period i am having. We have had a symposium, on TOK, which left me with the impression that the entire point of the exercise was to go out and pretend to say something that sounds mildly intelligent, while trying to baffle as many people as possible. It also helps if you have a fake accent or generally unintelligible speech.

remember last time i posted a rather angsty post that went like "screw sylvia plath and screw you"?

yea im keeping version two for next friday. wait for it.

This must be first time i have blogged in about two weeks or so, but let me warn you before hand, this is an angsty post, so if you are a particularly loyal fan of this blog, please do not feel obliged to read it, just because it is on my blog. This is in no way a reflection of actual events, and if you take it personally, you are just dumb.

I have had enough of this crap. The last few weeks have not exactly been the most pleasant weeks, and you have not helped one single bit. You complain incessantly about how your life is hellish, how reality is turning into a neverending nightmare... i suppose you might as well throw in a bit of melodrama and complain that it is whirling into a deep abyss the next time. I don't know if this makes you feel that you have the right to attempt to make people go through the same nonsense that you do, but guess what, you don't.

You talk about being tired. So what, everyone else is dammit. It is one thing to feel fatigued and depend on others for support, and quite another to actually use it as an excuse to do whatever you bloody like. So stop wallowing in self-pity, everyone goes through the same thing for god's sake.

My friends tell me that it is my fault, for making you believe that you are somehow always right, and i will have to leave this for you to judge. I suppose i should not be pissed right now, but then you have to excuse me, i think i at least have a right too.

If all you wanted me to do was to wait, i would. I don't know if you ever wanted it to work out, or if you just thought it is nice to have someone waiting on you all the time. Maybe, as you put it, it makes you feel flattered. Wow, congratulations, and i just have to blame myself for being the moron to agree to all this.

The last straw was Wednesday. I really believed things would work out fine up till then, and you really have to give it to me for my naivete. If you are so bloody afraid that i will come barging in any moment and totally ruining your day by embarassing you, then i guess there is no point in pursuing anything. But to be frank, you are the first person i met who thought i was an embarassment to be with, although i cannot pretend to understand your reasoning.

I think the part about trying to make me jealous was totally uncalled for, and i think even you must agree. If you think it is amusing to make someone jealous over you, fuck off, and i am not kidding here. Actually, no matter what your motivations may be, i should have told you to fuck off then - i am not your toy, or your experimental subject. I can't say this about anything else, but if you still think you are right on this issue, i am sorry i have ever known you.

Leave my friends out of this, and i will leave yours out. You tried spoiling a friendship without knowing and i did warn you then not to attempt it again. At least my friends gave you a fair chance, and you brought everything that has happened on yourself. Goddammit, i cant even say the same for some of yours - they didn't even give things a chance . If you still think those friends are nicer than mine, i think you are an absolute idiot, and i don't think too many people will disagree. Except, of course, some of your friends.

Let's not talk about a deeper relationship, you never even treated me as a friend in the first place. Who, or what, exactly do you think i am? So let me get this straight. You call me whenever you are down, and feel like talking to someone, and all your other friends happen to be unavailable at the moment. Actually, I don't even really mind that, but you pushed it too far. I have said that i don't expect you to keep things up if you are feeling tired, which unfortunately, seem to be all the time, but think about it, when have you actually been there for me? Honestly?

I don't know if you realize this, but you actually need commitment for friendships as well. And don't give me that nonsense about not liking commitment. Dammit, who does, actually? But if all you want from a friendship, or any other sort of relationship, for that matter, is someone to turn to when you are down, and if you are not ready to reciprocate, then go screw. Don't get me wrong, i am not pissed that you told me to wait, no actually, i meant, that you said no, because this isn't about that. Someone said you don't treat another human being that way, and i guess i must have been really stupid to believe that it can go deeper, when there isn't a friendship on in the first place.

I have never done this to anyone before, hell, i never even thought i was capable of being so angsty. But i don't feel like keeping it inside any longer, so I guess that's another one for your list of achievements.

bloke.

hello computer world, a quick post before i rush off to watch more "Whose line is it anyway" on youtube. y'all should try watching it..

Recently, Bloke has grabbed the spotlight with his amusing Chem Test answer.When
asked "Calculate the average bond energy of Xe-F", Bloke expertly replied with
an answer involving the words :Ivan S. Bloch, Warfare, War of Attrition and
Technological Advances.he added 172.25 kJmol as an afterthought The improvised
mesh of historical fact and irrelevent chemical connections earned Bloke a full
3 marks for the question. The offending test paper has been seized and given
"public property status".

Here's what it says:

According to the theories established by Ivan S. Bloch, conventional warfare
would change in 1914,; a move from the fluid movement on the battlefield to a
war of attrition in the bond energy as Xe- F bonds with new innovation
technologies.

Punchline?

~autolycus
12:39 PM Sep 26, 2006 IP 156:13
That answer is wrong. It should be 136.25 kJ/mol.

source of info/picture: acxis

Isn't it so common nowadays for people to disappoint one another?

Just a couple of weeks ago, alastair (su), kentay and i were having a rather informal and off-the-cuff chat about random topics. Somehow we got the topic of people disappointing one another. We all agreed that no matter how trustworthy or honourable or whatever a person is, there always is a possibility that he/she will one day break a promise.

Furthermore, it has become so common for people to break promises that there no longer is such a thing as "complete trust". Even if you task a certain person to do something, at the back of your mind there always is this small doubt that the person would either fail at the task, not complete it, or even worse still, not attempt at the task at all.

Take a step back and reflect, how many times have you failed someone, when you agreed or promised to do something. Countless? Well unfortunately, society has degenerated (as is my post) to such a point where such a situation is brushed off and considered normal. An agreed date (no matter if its boy-girl or a group outing) can be called off on the day itself, or a certain member of the date not turn up at all without informing the rest prior to the outing/date (pangseh).

Well to end abruptly, i suppose this post is merely nothing more than just pure lament or idle banter (although this cannot be quite considered banter im just lamenting to myself). So next time you agree upon something, make sure you fulfill it, or at least try your best.

For those of you who have taken a fleeting fancy to this blog, as evidenced by the increased viewership, i'll post a quick update on the holidays thus far. Okay, i was kidding about the increased readership, but i have always wanted so desperately to write something to that effect, it feels so go-oood.

I am glad to announce that i have lived up to my pre-holiday pledge of doing absolutely nothing at all ( didn't i post something on that not too long ago ?) and have so far managed to idle five full days away, which leaves about two more days to go.

In my defense, i really have to say that it is absolutely horrible here in Malaysia. My nose, sensitive creature as it is, has yet to adjust, the result being that i have had to breathe through some other orifice ( namely, the mouth) for the past few days.

This also leaves with me the highly unattractive prospect of being unable to enjoy the food in Malaysia, which i have been looking forward to since, just, oh, a couple of months back. About the time i stepped into singapore two months back, if you would allow me to add.

Tsk tsk. I think one is rendered totally incapable of enjoying the food to any degree because it is impossible to breathe while chewing when one is having a blocked nose, and the simple and normally enjoyable act of mastication becomes quite a laborious chore, but you shouldn't take my word on faith . I suggest you plug your nose while eating and i think you might just appreciate how dastardly difficult it is to breathe and chew at the same time for those with perpetual blocked noses. Which would be me, actually.

dear steve,

i am terribly upset and sorry to hear of your untimely death. i respect what you lived for and what you fought for - a clean environment and healthy animals. i really like your show, the crocodile hunter, and i watch it whenever my dad changes the channel to discovery channel and your show is on. i'll miss your khakis.

damn that stingray i say.

goodbye steve.

I am feeling deliriously happy because the third term is finally over, and after this short one week break, we have our final exams to look forward to. Life is good, no great, when you have two exams in as many terms.

Anyway, the past few days has been a jumble of mixed feelings. I nearly lost my wallet twice yesterday, found them back, stained my shirt, expected to get a shelling, barely excaped, stained the bloody same shirt again this morning ( soaked it with soup.. no laughing matter there boys ), and got away with my skin again. I really have no idea if i am terribly lucky, or horribly unlucky.

Happy (or not so) 50th post.

At this point in time, i feel that i do have to return from my break from posting(or blogging for that matter).

In life, we all face problems. Sometimes we succeed in solving them, at other times we just make them worse. As i passed through a person's blog, i feel compelled to highlight a particular post which caught my attention.

"
Illusions & Appointments
When we speak of disappointments, we sometimes forget about what that really means. The implicit appointments of which we speak are not the appointments to rank or office, or the meetings we arrange with others, or the legal designations of power and status. Rather, we speak of furnishings and embellishments, for these are what appointments are in the context of disappointments. A disappointment is the stripping away of something which we had used to furnish our emotional house, the rooms of our dreams and aspirations. We rarely use that phrase 'luxuriously appointed', but in such a context, 'disappointment' would refer to the removal of such luxury, and the reduction of our rich imaginings to drab reality.

In like vein, we occasionally forget that disillusionment is often positive, regardless of our religious or philosophical leanings. When Niels Bohr was asked what the complementary inverse of Reality (Warheit, 'truth') was, he replied, "Clarity (Klarheit)." He meant that the more we seek reality, the less clear things become (1, 2). To be disillusioned is to be reft of one's illusions, to somehow enter a state of clarity without forsaking reality. This is a difficult trick; it is as difficult to be disappointed of one's appointments without being disappointed in the wrong way.

And so we return to the iron city of Dis. Somehow, we must be disillusioned of the glamours and fakes which surround us, but not be stripped of imagination and the power of creation. Somehow we must be disappointed without losing heart, without taking the loss of prettiness as a loss of self. Somehow, we must be able to absorb 'dis' without succumbing to Dis.

I take heart from the encouragement I have received from those whom God has given to me for friendship and support. I am heartened, which is the same thing, but made simpler. I am enjoyed, made more joyful; I am enabled, made more able. And through all these great gifts of God, I gain and am renewed.
"

To anybody out there reading this post, no matter what problems you may face, what difficulties you have, commit it all to God. If you are a non-believer, take heart that there are always friends around you to pick you up when you are down. Never give up if you can, but if you have to, move on.

We'll always be here.

Math portfolio sucks.

I am nowhere near fit for blogging, but then i guess i have done a lot of stuff that i should not have done in the past few days, so one more item on an already long list won't make much difference, and i might as well be hanged for a goat as for a chicken.

If it takes us so long to churn out a piece of work on something we already know, I swear mathematicians must be robots, or else machines in which you pour in coffee and which grind out mathematical equations. Or maybe we are just dumb, but that is sometimes too painful to contemplate.

I have also heard that they are a weird bunch, one apparently left the following message on his pager, ' I am sorry the number you have dialled does not exist , please rotate by ninety degrees and try again'
If you can manage even a slight dry chuckle after spending all those hours on maths portfolio, congratulations, you are now officially an IB nerd.

All right, its been some time since i really sat down and seriously thought of something to blog about. A blog, is after all, just a more popular form of the diary - I do not intend to commit it to posterity, and i do not imagine that there would be too many people interested, even if I do. If nothing on this blog interests you, or if you find it a little too whimsical, or nonsensical, umm, well no one is forcing you to read it. I imagine Rushdie would say that it is very easy not to get offended by a particularly horrible blog - all you have to do is move on to the next horrible one.

But i am missing my point. The point i was trying to get across, before i got all defensive, is that our modern culture is intolerably stifling. Okay, i know i am starting to sound like an angsty teenager now, but like i said, freedom of choice.

We all believe that we possess a degree of individualism our boring fathers could never have dreamt off ( after all, we have personalized computers, personalized keychains, and personalized god-knows-what-else). Well, truth is, and I know this sucks, we are not. The ironic part, of course, correct me if i am wrong, is that there is an amazing number of brands telling you to be yourself and other such nonsense, although how that should entail buying goods mass-manufactured in some Third World factory, I am not too sure.

All that would not be so bad, i guess if it weren't for the fact that we are unabashedly revelling in our shallowness. I think we are somehow aware that our lives have degenerated into a weird race for acquisition of material goods, for the sole purpose of acquiring more material goods. We amuse ourselves with toys, like the latest handphone model, aching to be relieved from our mundane worries, if only for a fleeting moment.

We believe that exercise is good for us, because the newspapers tell us, but mainly because other people are doing it, so we go to the gym, which happens to be the modern substitute for a walk, for those less enlightened among you, but shorn of a walk's true pleasure. We also believe that fast food is bad, but of course that doesn't stop us from going to the nearest Burger King's to pick up whatever strikes our fleeting fancy. What is so depressing about fast food is not that it kills you, (everything does, come to think of it), not that it is oppressively oily, hell, not even because it comes serves in plastic forks and spoons but because it is so massively, irrevocably, for lack of a better word, monotonous. Look around you, and you will see people eating, that's right, burgers, fries, and more burgers. You know you are in a very sad state when you cannot afford a one hour lunch break, having instead to resort to the same fast food everyday. I mean, sorry if i come across like a retard, but isn't this getting a little ridiculous?

We also believe that we are bored all the time, mostly because we are indeed bored, outside our jobs that is, because our lives are defined by the jobs we have, or, on a more pleasant note, the cars we own. In our moments of boredom, we sometimes question if it is all worth it, but then we look back at what we still have to do, and we push it aside, because we'll figure that when we have time. And guess what, big surprise, we never have the time.

All in all, I think we did a pretty good job at ensuring our time on earth will be as miserable as possible.

Unhappiness is a very personal thing, but if any generalization can be drawn at all, it is that most people are usually convinced that they are the most unhappy / miserable/ unfortunate / troubled / sorrowful / despondent ( delete where appriopriate ) person on earth. I don't think anyone will have any problems understanding that, we have all been, at one point or other, been convinced of its truth, generally because one's own problems are immediately identifiable, whereas trying to walk in someone else's shoes may be a tad too troublesome. Plus, everyone fancies being chronically misunderstood.

Point is, of course that we always convince ourselves that if we just do a little bit better, or if we get that damn promotion which is just without our reach, our happiness will be complete and we will finally be able to sit down and enjoy the feast of life. That does not happen very often, just as a student who fails his exams will aim to pass, while someone who passes it comfortably will aim to excel, and those who excel will hanker for the top spot, because we will forever covet what we do not have.

And even if we do get what we want, we usually lose our appetite for the feast in the process.

This blog's readership appeared to have stagnated once again ( err, like wow, big surprise and all ) and i think it might be convenient to put it down to the drecreased frequency of posts. Yeah, i know, mea culpa, (which to the classically challenged amongst you, which is pretty much all of us nowadays, means 'I am guilty', a phrase which i imagined was propelled right up to the forefront of human consciousness by the advent of Christianity ) but if its any consolation, at least you don't have to put up with horrible posts which i assure you, i am quite capable of, in times of haste ( that was false humility by the way, in case you have not noticed, or what you might call fausse humilite ).

On another note, the performance yesterday was not too bad at all, for a school production that is. I did wish i could hear what they were singing a little more clearly, and i suppose i would appreciate better jokes ( accents are getting horribly boring, don't you think so...?), but all in all, it was pretty decent. My friend found the singing of the school anthem particularly amusing for reasons i cannot pretend to fathom, and he was belting it out with cheerful abandon, so you can be forgiven for being a little puzzled by his behaviour. Not that i would have paid twenty bucks for it, oops, i mean, of course i would, whatever were you thinking?

Tribute

Goodbye Jeff.

Nice knowing you.

In the words of bloke - "god i'll miss that bastard"

I generally find that the best way to keep ahead in life is to bombast your way out of trouble. The best part is, it takes little practice, is not as difficult as it seems, and is considerably easier said, than understood.

If you don't believe me, ask anyone from my class. Really.

Most students start out idealistic, believing in imaginary entities like conscience and academic honesty, but cynicism usually sets in among the general lot within one year or so, and those who remain idealistic are either confunded nitwits or inspired geniuses ( which is a pretty wide spectrum, covering just about, err... everyone, i know but still..). So after a year, most students actually do much better at certain subjects like philosophy, assuming, of course, their essays are obscure and unintelligible enough to baffle whoever is assigning the grades.

There is usually a halo surrounding whatever we cannot understand, and we revere certain ideas simply because they are beyond our grasp. Just ask Einstein.

if ur confused about the rather large influx of posts over the past week then thats great. your officially a regular of this blog.

on a note, i remember what zheng hao said after the first paper of the common tests..

me: wah basket...inside damn cold leh..i in front somemore

zheng hao: haha! i learnt this in australia...

me: learn what?

zheng hao: cold ah? suffer.

screw poems.

screw sylvia plath.

screw you.

oh well...you see, i hatched my ingenious plan a long time ago. doing really badly for my mid-yrs is just part of my plan.

really.

although my plan should be secret, but aiyah nehmine lah. doing really badly (to me at least...) puts me WAYY under the radar, hence ppl wont bug me about how to do stuff like last term after the econs paper. hence i now have time and freedom AND an excuse to start mugging soon. not happy? start mugging then.

well lets see at the yr-end if my plan works...remember my resolutions?

After some two weeks on nail biting, rushing our work, sitting and staring at the computer screen, mugging ( well, only for those of us who enjoy indulging in our national pastime anyway), exams are finally over and now we can sit back comfortably and start nail biting, rushing our work, sitting and staring at the computer ( well, see above). Exams are over, and we have got a tonne of deadlines coming up ( just the deadlines mind you, don't get me started on the work we have to do ).

We all thought life after the exams would be great ( well, okay, not reaaally, but we seriously thought it would be better.... reaally) but like so many other things in life ( right up there with sex and Christmas celebrations, so i have been told) it is so much better to travel hopefully than to arrive. The time arrives, we cluch it to our chests, and all we could think off, it seems is whether we could have done better if we just have put it that little bit of extra effort.

Well i guess we can always do better at almost anything, but against the argument that we can do better, there is always the one that it is equally possible that we can do worse. I know this is an essentially negative philosophy, for the losers so to speak, but thats okay, because there will inevitably be more losers than winners, so if one cannot be a good philosopher, one can at least settle for being a popular one.

My Dream

You see, i had this dream not a long time ago, and i've finally gotten down to writing it down.

I dreamt that one fine sunny day in between lessons, a chorus of Crazy Son pierced through the air. A long throng of pointsixteen people burst into my class and start shouting our favourite rendition of Ronin's best gayballet to date. Amongst the laughter, a voice shouted, "those who dont belong in here, GET OUT!".

i left.

along with the rest of pointsixteen, merrily busking down the yr 5 corridors.

You see, while i am not apportioning any blame to any party in my class, there is an apparent lack of loyalty to my current class. Along with this, there is simply no class spirit whatsoever. No, a few cliques here and there is not considered class spirit. While i am not proposing anything to create a class spirit as yet, i do realise that we all have to play a part. Yes, perhaps i am guilty of fleeing to the other side for my daily kicks, but still i do hope that i wouldnt have to do that any more.

From experience, a class spirit can be fostered through the means of a few class jokers. Obviously our class doesnt have one. Daryl is a pseudo-joker who cant make it sorry to say, and there isnt any other person comparable to say, Charlie of 4.11 or Chan Zheng Hao of 4.16.

Oh well, while we can be told to improve our class spirit by relevant authorities, it really is up to us to create one.


Oh ya, the dream really sort of happened in real life in January, but the "get out!" didnt really materialise. We did in fact go busking around the corridors in January, as well as bursting into the audi in the middle of the tok lectures for the new students. kinda got busted by our yr 5 director though.

Those were the days...