I am a pussy. I would rather not do something, than to try very hard at it and then fail. I run away from almost every fight there is, and make it a point never to fight someone else's fight. I prefer pretending that problems don't exist and gloss over it, than to acknowledge and try solve them, which is why I can be such a consummate procrastinator.

But for some reason, I am compulsively obsessed with the idea of being successful in life, with making it. I know I can walk away from it now, under the guise of not actually giving a dime about money, and wealth and success. That might even mean that I am just being honest with myself, because all that have never really mattered. Not yet, anyway. I have always wanted to get a simple job, settle down and live life out as unobstrusively as I possibly could.

But I can't. For some reason, I need to find out if I actually have it in me to make it. I don't believe in the system, but I need to know that I can walk away from it, not because I am afraid of getting beaten, not because i am just sour grapes. I need to know if I am actually good enough, or if I am just another fake believing I-am-better-than-you but who cowers behind their feigned indifference to material success because they don't actually achieve anything.

This is the only thing I have really demanded from mysel so far, and I am mind-numbingly afraid that I might just not make the cut after all.